A Drink With Dragons

[pallas_athena]

I would be commenting on the recent News Of The World/News International kerfuffle, but webofevil is already doing a far better job. Short version: Newspapers have narrow profit margins; closing the News of the World will cost Murdoch nothing, and launching the new Sunday edition of the Sun will cost him pocket change. (Hell, it might even go into short-term profit-- a miraculous state for a newspaper.) The real prize is the BSkyB deal, which looks set to go ahead: proof, if proof were needed, that no matter how rank the cesspit in which Murdoch stands, he can always get Parliament to clean off his shoes. With their tongues.

But let's get to the real story: the imminent release of the next volume of A Thingy Of Thingies, AKA The Knights Who Say Fuck, AKA George RR Martin's ongoing shag-maim-destroy-and-piss-on-the-ruins party.

If you haven't read these, don't start: going by the evidence, it's going to be at least five years before the next book. But for those poor souls who've started and therefore must finish, here's the very thing you need: a handy and clever drinking game. Of course, you could just start drinking on Page 1 and keep on chugging till the pain stops, but then you might pass out and drool all over your lovely new book. Far better to undertake the necessary brain-soaking in a responsible manner, regulated by the following terms:


Gratuitous reference to the state of someone's wang-- drink

Excretory functions described in loving detail-- drink

Description of sex that makes you never want to have sex again-- drink

Incest-- drink

Loss of body part-- drink

Death-- drink
More than one death-- one drink each

Death of POV character-- kill your drink

Death of character you quite liked-- weep into drink

Death of character you found horribly annoying-- DRINK EVERYTHING

Character you found horribly annoying kills character you quite liked-- spill drink on book, set on fire

Walder Frey finally, finally fucking dies already-- drink

Any character written off as dead in the last book shows up not-dead-- drink

Either Clegane brother shows up in a not-entirely-dead state-- kill your drink

"Cunt" uttered-- drink

"Winter is coming"-- drink

‎"Who are you? No one"-- drink

"This is not the day I die"-- drink

Three-eyed crow reference-- drink
Finally find out what the fuck the three-eyed crow is-- drink thrice

Raven says something symbolic-- drink

Daenerys being a giant cocktease--drink

Sam being annoying-- drink
Sam gets laid-- kill your drink

Stannis being an arse-- drink
Stannis dies-- set drink on fire, then chug

Others show up-- drink

Two Starks meet-- kill entire bottle
If one is Catelyn, extra bottle may be necessary

We finally fucking get told who Jon Snow's parents are-- drink everything in the entire.goddamn.house.

Comments

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

No advertisers - and none for a long time, names do matter, look at Sun circulation in Liverpool to this day - means why waste money on NoW when you can cut your losses and pretend to be nobly contrite.

What I want to know is what dirt Brooks has on Cameron that he hasn't called for her scalp?

[artnouveauho.livejournal.com]

Murdoch is, apparently, now free to destroy the NotW's records. (http://blogs.reuters.com/mediafile/2011/07/07/is-murdoch-free-to-destroy-tabloids-records/) Gahhh.

That question about dirt is a good one. I hope all the other papers are even now pondering it.

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

Argh. I'd hope the police would move in to prevent that, but since they've been sitting on evidence for 5 years, I won't hold my breath.

[mirabehn.livejournal.com]

Oh MAN you're making me wish that I could cope with more than a little alcohol.

I just suggested to mirrorshard that I was envisaging him and me, in his lounge, with two copies of the book and a nice bottle of single malt.

Unfortunately, as Sam has pointed out, I couldn't keep up with him. He reads faster than anyone else I know!

On the upside, that means that he'd get drunker faster.

I would read him under the table. Hehehehe.

[artnouveauho.livejournal.com]

You so would. You have the best head for books...

[laughingmagpie.livejournal.com]

LOLing, LOLing and drinking and cursing the name of Martin! Awesome post!

[artnouveauho.livejournal.com]

*raises glass in Canadian direction*

[speedlime.livejournal.com]

I will just say, having read the first few chapters and skimmed the rest of the book, that you're gonna need a well-stocked bar. First gratuitous reference to the state of Tyrion's wang: PAGE 20. Seeming death of POV character you like? OH YES.

[speedlime.livejournal.com]

BTW... would you be horribly offended if I passed this bit of awesomeness on to Martin's publicist?

[artnouveauho.livejournal.com]

Go right ahead!... it's not terribly clever, and might come across as more vitriolic than strictly necessary, but if you think it would be good for a laugh or two, then be my guest.

[megamole.livejournal.com]

Great game.

Didn't you miss "reference to symbolic emasculation of Jaime Lannister" - drink?

[artnouveauho.livejournal.com]

Well, that metaphor was pretty much run to death in the last book, and I don't think Jaime has a lot of onstage time in this one-- but, sure.