Losers in duplicate

[pallas_athena]

Dear Universe,

Please accept my thanks for your acknowledgement of my celibate status and prompt response. Received this evening between the hours of 2300 and 0030: Two (2) propositions from random guys on buses. Returning said guys unused for the following reasons:

Guy #1: Positive points: Fairly intelligent, sensitive and an actor with a small role in the upcoming Batman film.
Negatives: Inability to STFU, esp. on subject of himself. Also, had bad cold and kept sniffing wetly.
Method of escape: Repeated verbal refusals, decreasing rapidly in tact.

Guy #2: Positive points: Own teeth (gold). Gainful employment driving buses.
Negatives: "I respect you! Why you don't respect me? Give me you number!" not swiftest way to a woman's heart.
Method of escape: Got off bus.

I am fully aware that declining these two offers may result in my being relegated to the back of the Guy Queue and deprioritised for future available guys, as well as immediate loss of bitching privileges re: celibacy. Enclosed please find two (2) receipts for abovementioned unused guys. Urgently request speedy exchange for one (1) life of happy bachelorhood, which suddenly looks a lot better now.

Many thanks,

A. N. Ho

Comments

[speedlime.livejournal.com]

Ah yes, the London Bus Pickup. I actually think these encounters are almost always outside the normal Guy Allotment System, so declining the offers won't affect your cosmic standing. Or perhaps I think that because I REFUSE to believe that the universe intended that I should do no better than the gentleman sitting next to me whose seduction technique consisted of repeatedly letting his hand "accidentally" fall onto my thigh, and then abruptly asking for my phone number and getting huffy when I refused to give it. Hot fun on the No. 11 bus, I'm tellin' ya!

[artnouveauho.livejournal.com]

/makes "porn soundtrack" noise

/wonders if any actual porn has that kind of soundtrack

[captrenault.livejournal.com]

*takes notes*