As Dorothy Parker once said...

[pallas_athena]

I'm stuck at home with Disgusting Flu, so to pass the time, I declare this DOROTHY PARKER WEEK.

This is something I've been wanting to do for some time. Parker is not only a fine wit but a fantastic poet, and her work deserves to be better known-- especially the stuff that doesn't end with a punchline (though a Parker punchline still packs more punch than most.)

I've posted poems of hers here before:
Braggart, which is the most fuck-off-world poem I know; and
The Satin Dress, a fine poem about sewing.

But how would Parker introduce herself? Like this, I think:

Fighting Words

Say my love is easy had,
Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
Say I am too often sad--
Still behold me at your side.

Say I'm neither brave nor young,
Say I woo and coddle care,
Say the devil touched my tongue--
Still you have my heart to wear.

But say my verses do not scan,
And I get me another man!

Comments

[megamole.livejournal.com]

There was a young Japanese man
Whose limericks never would scan.
When asked why this was,
He said "It's because
I try and get absolutely as many words as humanly possible into the last line as I can."

[artnouveauho.livejournal.com]

A comment in limerick form
Makes my old heart feel ever-so-warm.
And if you can write 'em
As well as you cite 'em,
Why then, we could rhyme up a storm!

[megamole.livejournal.com]

My dearest Miss Art Nouveau 'Ho,
I offer this as a first go;
Not witty (or acid)
But stumbling and flaccid,
It's currently all I can show.

[artnouveauho.livejournal.com]

You give yourself too little cred:
It's as witty as any I've read!
(And you're not to blame
If I incur the shame
Of replying with "That's what he said.")

[megamole.livejournal.com]

This all has come out in a rush;
Your compliments, ma'am, make me blush.
I'm curious to meet
This soprano aesthete
(If my car can drive over the slush).

[artnouveauho.livejournal.com]

With minds like myself and like you,
A meeting is sure to ensue.
So hurry and plan
That reading, young man,
Of Shakespeare's King Richard the II.

[megamole.livejournal.com]

I have several Shakespearophile mates,
Who read through his plays by the crates;
So my sessions pertain
To a more comic vein
For the sort of shows everyone (hopefully) rates¹.

1: Blackadder, Red Dwarf, Allo Allo, assorted Python, some of my own work...

[library-keeper.livejournal.com]

Now stay out of the snow, Liza, do,
And I hope you get over your flu.
The wit of Miss Parker
Is crueller and darker
Than anything written by you.

[artnouveauho.livejournal.com]

Ms. P. was a cynic, it's true,
But experience lent her this view.
On love and on men
She's mordant, but then
She'd seen an example or two.

[library-keeper.livejournal.com]

Ms. P. had her reasons, perhaps,
But don't be too hard on us chaps:
We're just misunderstood,
For we try to be good,
Despite the occasional lapse.

[megamole.livejournal.com]

(Not mine, but my good friend songster's):

There was a Bavarian monk
Who frequently went to bed stoned.
He once dreamt that Venus
Was sucking his elbow
And woke up all covered in sweat.

[library-keeper.livejournal.com]

Mr Mole, I am shocked to the bone:
Such coarseness I cannot condone.
You ignorant peasant,
A lady is present!
So pray do not lower the tone.

[artnouveauho.livejournal.com]

Chill, gents; it's not much of a shock:
I've been many a time round the block.
Nor is this the first verse
(or even the worst verse)
I've read which referred to a thingy.

[megamole.livejournal.com]

To call me a peasant is risky,
My bloodline's as pure as malt whisky;
The word "ignorant", friend,
Would surely offend
My ancestor, Prince Czartoryski.

[library-keeper.livejournal.com]

If you're aristocratically born,
Then I'd better not treat you with scorn.
I hereby withdraw
My aspersions, before
I am challenged to pistols at dawn.