Losers in duplicate

[pallas_athena]

Dear Universe,

Please accept my thanks for your acknowledgement of my celibate status and prompt response. Received this evening between the hours of 2300 and 0030: Two (2) propositions from random guys on buses. Returning said guys unused for the following reasons:

Guy #1: Positive points: Fairly intelligent, sensitive and an actor with a small role in the upcoming Batman film.
Negatives: Inability to STFU, esp. on subject of himself. Also, had bad cold and kept sniffing wetly.
Method of escape: Repeated verbal refusals, decreasing rapidly in tact.

Guy #2: Positive points: Own teeth (gold). Gainful employment driving buses.
Negatives: "I respect you! Why you don't respect me? Give me you number!" not swiftest way to a woman's heart.
Method of escape: Got off bus.

I am fully aware that declining these two offers may result in my being relegated to the back of the Guy Queue and deprioritised for future available guys, as well as immediate loss of bitching privileges re: celibacy. Enclosed please find two (2) receipts for abovementioned unused guys. Urgently request speedy exchange for one (1) life of happy bachelorhood, which suddenly looks a lot better now.

Many thanks,

A. N. Ho

Comments

[nanashi-jones.livejournal.com]

You have to file the correct forms in these experiences.

As I have not done so thinking I can tend to myself in celibacy and not even asked, I have been stuck with three extra libidos. Result- am too afraid to petition the universe for fear of what may come back and am waiting for shelf-life of raging hormones to expire.

[artnouveauho.livejournal.com]

Doncha hate that-- you wait ages for a libido and then you get three at once?

[speedlime.livejournal.com]

Ah yes, the London Bus Pickup. I actually think these encounters are almost always outside the normal Guy Allotment System, so declining the offers won't affect your cosmic standing. Or perhaps I think that because I REFUSE to believe that the universe intended that I should do no better than the gentleman sitting next to me whose seduction technique consisted of repeatedly letting his hand "accidentally" fall onto my thigh, and then abruptly asking for my phone number and getting huffy when I refused to give it. Hot fun on the No. 11 bus, I'm tellin' ya!

[artnouveauho.livejournal.com]

/makes "porn soundtrack" noise

/wonders if any actual porn has that kind of soundtrack

[captrenault.livejournal.com]

*takes notes*

[spyinthehaus.livejournal.com]

You see what happens when you come to my party?

Oh, hang on. Bad things. OK. Never mind.

[justpolina.livejournal.com]

Thankyou. thankyouthankyouthankyou. I have just laughed myself ill. I embrace you for making my day a better place.

Hope this will not be misconstrued and another form submitted...

Believe me, the whole libido thing gets no better when you ARE in a relationship. Speaking of which, any news re Cheltenham?

[esdi-leanne.livejournal.com]

I've had days like that. Just keep returning the duff guys with the reciepts stapled to them (for safe keeping) and the Universe will eventually get sick of your complaining letters and send you a good one so you'll STFU. Hey, it worked for me.

[fracture242.livejournal.com]

Oh dear! Well, if it's any consolation it really could be worse. I once got on the bus after leaving university and didn't really notice that this one fellow was staring at me the whole time (people on buses generally stare at me because I look unusual) but when he got off at the same stop I did and caught the exact same second bus and continued to sit opposite me and stare I did begin to be concerned. However, he didn't say anything until I got off the second bus and started walking home. Of course, he got off at the same stop and started following me home, and after about a minute he caught up to me and asked me out. When I asked if he'd actually followed me all the way home without having any idea where he was going he said yes, and I promptly informed him that I didn't date stalkers or nutcases and rather quickly ran into the Tesco which was conveniently next to me and hid in the frozen food isle. He tried to find me, of course, but I snuck out the side and ran home (which was thankfully just behind said Tesco) and watched from my window as he forlornly wandered the streets with no idea how to get back to wherever it was he came from. It's not the first time I've been 'stalked', but it is the first (and hopefully only) time I had a 'bus stalker'...

[albertbbun.livejournal.com]

All Demigods of the Imperial City are "tutored" at an early age. Such preparation allows us to live our lives of endless contemplation - from which, we understand, mere mortals are more easily distracted.

True, I remember my youth (before I was tutored) and how love-struck I was for my "uncle" Oscar. But our flesh-bound love was fiery, and at times our consuming passions even spilled our royal blood. Then the I visited the tutor, and stuporously returned re-birthed as a empty vessel to be filled with enlightenment (and carrots).

[artnouveauho.livejournal.com]

Wow. Perhaps we should conspire to send the undesirable guys of the world for some tutoring? I'm sure they'd benefit from it.

[albertbbun.livejournal.com]

[laughingmagpie.livejournal.com]

LOL - I love your blog!

I wish I could think of something equally witty in response. Nevertheless, know that your keen, sharp intellect and sense of humour was deeply appreciated.