Figlio amato
Nov. 4th, 2009 02:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pallas_athenaShould really be in bed now, but:
Tonight we rehearsed the Figaro courtroom scene: the scene where my character, Marcellina, discovers that Figaro is her long-lost son. I like rehearsing this scene, because basically it's one long hug, and getting hugs from likeable, trustworthy people is a Good Thing, onstage or off.
When the discovery is made, I have Marcellina break down in tears. Up till then she's been a very confident, poised character, and I like having her lose control there. From an acting point of view, though, it's a challenge for a childless woman to play someone who has spent the last twenty-some years wondering where her lost baby is, and finds him at last.
So how I got there is: I'm doing this for the children I'll never have.
I've never been maternally inclined, or very fond of children as such. Even if I were in a relationship, I would most probably choose not to have any. But it's one thing to make that choice, and quite another to have it made for you. I am thirty-six, almost thirty-seven, and unpartnered. I will not be having kids.
In an unforeseen way, this opera is providing me with a space in which I can accept the status quo, and grieve as much as I need to for all the might-have-beens.
Children are life roulette. It's impossible to know who they'll be till you've got them. So I literally can't imagine what it would have been like to have them and live with them: their personalities are beyond my ken.
Marcellina, at least, gets a happy ending of sorts.
Tonight we rehearsed the Figaro courtroom scene: the scene where my character, Marcellina, discovers that Figaro is her long-lost son. I like rehearsing this scene, because basically it's one long hug, and getting hugs from likeable, trustworthy people is a Good Thing, onstage or off.
When the discovery is made, I have Marcellina break down in tears. Up till then she's been a very confident, poised character, and I like having her lose control there. From an acting point of view, though, it's a challenge for a childless woman to play someone who has spent the last twenty-some years wondering where her lost baby is, and finds him at last.
So how I got there is: I'm doing this for the children I'll never have.
I've never been maternally inclined, or very fond of children as such. Even if I were in a relationship, I would most probably choose not to have any. But it's one thing to make that choice, and quite another to have it made for you. I am thirty-six, almost thirty-seven, and unpartnered. I will not be having kids.
In an unforeseen way, this opera is providing me with a space in which I can accept the status quo, and grieve as much as I need to for all the might-have-beens.
Children are life roulette. It's impossible to know who they'll be till you've got them. So I literally can't imagine what it would have been like to have them and live with them: their personalities are beyond my ken.
Marcellina, at least, gets a happy ending of sorts.